In This Moment

This was written on August 23rd, 2010

It's such a relevant thing, age
Because as I stand upon this stage
These minutes seem like hours
And these towers
Time which I cannot see past
Yet forty years is nothing
As I look at it in the history books
Even the nineteen years of looks
As others examine who I am
With all their age
I'm sure they have felt similar
When they once were
Standing atop a stage
Or silently filled with rage
As they raced and competed
In the moments we focus
All of us know
That anyone who puts on a show
Just doesn't understand
That even their hand
Was given to them
Regardless of religious preference
Or even the lack thereof
We are given our lives
So we push to strive
Making the best of our gift
As well as our curse
It feeds and breeds inside of us
As we ride the school bus
Waiting for the real future
Instead of enjoying the present
Which is our present
Because if you focus
You must realize
That all of the lies
Fade to black
Pushing into the back
Of your mind
As you become this moment
And time becomes skewed
Screwed
By our focus
So these minutes right here
Not even your beer
Will make these moments shorter
So stop drinking from that glass
Start paying attention to the grass
Because this Earth that we walk
Is taken by us
Into our care
So I will stare at you
Until I can see through
You soul to the minutes
Where you become your everything
And then I will sing
Because those moments are joyous
They should be celebrated
Keeping me sated
With the depth of those moments
Is how I've chosen to live

Taken Over

This was written on August 21st, 2010

I find that I can no longer handle
What is going on inside of my mind
So now I'm becoming a little bitch
Because what was just a stitch
In my side
Has taken a ride
To my heart
And has begun to start
This inward revolution
Where an evolution
Of pain
Has begun driving me insane
I believe if I keep on this path
Everything will become a bloodbath
Of words
That become so absurd
That even the great one above
Who pushes all love
Into our hearts
Will be affected by the sparks
That come from the darkness
Inside of my brain
Because I've gone insane
With rage
Funneled onto the page
Sitting in front of me
As I read
And bleed
These words
And through the ink
I blink
I've become it as much as it's become me
So now you must see
That I have gone insane
Gone far past the range
Of everything strange
Become the page
With all my rage
Funneled
Tunneled
Inside of me
Pushing myself to be free
Or at least for my heart
To start
Feeling less pain
So that whatever part of me going insane
Can be left behind
Inside of my mind
Behind a locked door
With a titanium floor
So that it cannot escape
And even as it scrapes
Inside of me
No others will see
The insanity
That has taken seed
Started to breed
To create
And form and shape
It's as if an alien race
Has taken place
Inside of my body

Untitled?

This was written on August 21st, 2010

I hate people more than I can ever explain
Thoughts fill my brain
Just driving me past insanity
Till these eyes fill with pain
Turning into tears
Over all of the years
That I've been abused
Pushed back into a hole and used
For others to feel better
About themselves
Pushing me into shelves
And lockers
Ripping off my dockers
Shoes
And giving me the blues
So that I just couldn't take it anymore
And I had to score
At least once
So I stooped so low
Got ready to go
And did the nasty with a dirty little hoe
Which I'll forever regret
Getting her wet
Putting myself inside her mind
I still scrub myself with chloride
Trying to clean
Without being mean
About how nasty that shit was
I would have rather slept with my cous
Cause even incest is better
Than that slut who was wetter
Than Niagra falls
And even the North Central stalls
Were cleaner than her
Still I must agree
With my own mind
And start leaving behind
Everything that has happened
Though this rap can't end
With just a few little words
Instead my body fills with herds
Of angry voices
About all of the choices
I've made
Beating inside of me
Trying to get out and be freed
Upon the rest of the world
All my anger unfurled
Upon her
So now I just curse
Myself
For putting her onto a shelf
Of trophies
Where I thought she belonged
Instead she longed
For someone better
Better than me
So all others can now see
The weakness deep down
That causes a frown
Man I feel like such a clown
As I look down
Upon myself
Cause these past weeks
Have been weak
At least in comparison to the strength
That I once drank
From
Pushing it down with my thumb
Inside of my throat
And even the votes
Of my inner selves
Could not resist
The imaginative kiss
That she gave to me
Promising to free
My inner man
So that someday I'd stand
Alongside someone else
Because even these sea shells
Left to me by my mother
Who knew more of my brothers
Than I ever imagined
And all that we sinned
Combines together
Becomes worse than the weather
Storm
That pushes through the warm
Insides of my heart
Forcing a start
Of freezing rage
That funnels onto this page
Because even now
After you've left
I know that someday
We will all find the words to say
That we have been hurt
So I mean to be kurt
As you have caused pain
On so many levels
To humanity as a whole
Now we all have a hole
And many have more than just one
Because the sun
It burns us
Worse than vampires
Who do what they can to sire
A next generation
So that Rock Point Station
Will burn into our memory
For others to hear and see
What pain is caused
Just by living
Living and giving
To others
As sisters and brothers
Of the one man who gave for our sins
Now he hides in the clouds
Shouting out loud
Inside of our minds
Pushing out signs
For us to read
Trying to create a seed
Of love
Stars above
Why can't you just tell us what you know
Teach us how to sow
This kindness inside of ourselves
So that we all stop sitting on shelves
Of uncertainty
Why do you have to hide so that we cannot see
You
Instead you put us through
This great amount of misery
"It's all a test."
"It's for the best."
Because God knows better
Than even the rich man wearing a sweater
Cause Bill Gates
Can't open the gates
To heaven
No matter how much money he has
His ass will turn to grass
Just like the rest of us
Now to be honest, I find that living without trust
Is my best bet
For survival
Because gullible is not written on the ceiling
Of my mind
And I will leave all behind
Who try to take advantage of me
To push all others to see
My weakness
Because to me, happiness is a strength
And I don't have anyone to thank
For having it by my side
Except for myself
Who learned it from the imaginary Elf
Inside of my soul
Which has more age than from toll
That other people created
Kicked back and lived sated
As they watched me suffer and squirm
Eating the worm
That my cousin convinced was candy
Before laughing at me
For falling for his tricks
That he used for his own kicks
To bring about his happiness
He created a sadness
Inside of this persona standing here today
So I have only one thing to say
To you
Who do everything you can to put me through
Hell
I hope that life has been swell
Because in death
Everyone will remember only your bad breath

Train Station

This was written on August 21st, 2010

All you do is use
Waiting to abuse
As you put up this ruse
Of who you are
So that you can open my scar
Left behind from the car
That hit me when we met
You just couldn't let
Me forget
What happened that day
When all the words I say
Left me alone
As my body entered the twilight zone
It's funny how you made me feel
I should have known it wasn't real
Deep down inside of me
I should have been able to see
That your greed
Was inside of that seed
You planted deep inside of my heart
Where the tendrils did start
Where you'd tug
Before you'd just shrug
About what you'd done
Blocking out the sun
For me
Leaving me with nothing to see
Except you
And every animal in the zoo
Could smell the fear on me
Not hidden by
The deepness of my sigh
As I listen to you lie
Knowing all the while
That once again my style
Of writing
Will keep on fighting
Pushing and straining
So that I keep gaining
A sense of self
That outgrows my shelf
For trophies and awards
So now my body rewards
My greatest effort
Will be in pushing myself to sort
These broken feelings
Stacking to my inner ceilings
The files of my heart
Where you added another cart
Yesterday
When you avoided to say
That you had found another
Brother
Who had betrayed my trust
So now I know I must
Move on
Remembering that you were always gone
From the relation
That left me standing at the station
Where trains take others
To where their lovers
Wait for there return
Instead I stood to burn
While you left me
For all others to see
Filled with shame
For losing at this game

The Son We Could Have Had

This was written on August 21st, 2010

I must admit
That giving you shit
Has put me at the end of my wit
Now that you've lit
My Cigarette
I'll find a way to let
You inside of my mind
Instead of leaving behind
Whatever it is that we've had
Whether it is good or bad
Despite the fact that I'm so sad
I will put you ahead of me
Letting you in to see
What's left of my mind
A watermelon rind
Resting alone
In this oldest zone
Of my mind
Everything else is behind
Closed doors
Where all the wars
Forced me to hide
What matters most
So I refuse to boast
About everything that I am
Because even in this slam
About what you've done
I still think about the son
We could have had
It's definitely bad
That I still have these thoughts
As I'm attacked by bats
Of the night
They fill with fright
Others who don't have lovers
Just like me
Can't you see that you've left
This gigantic cleft
Inside my heart
Where a seed did start
To grow
It had learned to flow
Through my streams
As you were filling my dreams
Now I fly here alone
Without a landing zone
To return to whatever existed
Before you insisted
That we have a relationship
When all you wanted was a trip
So that you could watch me fall
Without ever caring at all
So I sit here now
Hoping that somehow
I can forget what you've done
And return to the depths of my mind that son
That we could have had
So that it won't be so bad
When he dies inside my mind
Left behind
For nobody else to see
Cause that's how it should be

Mixed Emotion

This was written on August 20th, 2010

Lighter than the feathers atop me
Your daggers fly
I laugh in your face
As you try to trace
The sound of my voice
Attempting to cause me pain
But the rain
Hides my scent
The path that I went
To get to this moment
Ridden with obstacles
Like you
And all the things you put me through
Just make me stronger
So I will live longer
Regardless of your effort
Even this sort
Of treacherous
Cliff
Where I make my decision
Becomes a transition
In my life
Where I exceed the strife
Transcending
Pushing and defending
Fighting
Forcing and righting
The wrongs of the world
As my whole life unfurled
I pushed for you
Still you put me through
This
As I wait for a kiss
Filled with poison
A knife attached
Permanently
To your hand
Still I can stand
The pain
Because the rain
Washes away
Everything you say
About my reactions
Whatever you do
I will continue to be true
To myself
Keeping my heart on a shelf
Away from your hands
So that anyone who stands
Near it
Will decide to quit
Still you stand here
Despite the implications
Of our destinations
Whether we hate
Or fight against fate
This will come to an end
When both of our bodies bend
To age
And even this rage
Will subside
To the tide
Of human life

Apologize

This was written on August 20th, 2010

There seems to be this trend
That brings about the end
Of my relationships
The end of all trips
They all blow me off
As I scoff
Oh man
The excuses
They make me roll
As they take their toll
On my mind
Just pushing from behind
My sub-conscious

Reminding me of the past
When girls left me trashed
Battered and broken
Without a single token
Of appreciation
For the station
That they left me at
Beaten by a bat
Even the music
Of my blood
Is left rotten
Forgotten
Long ago

And all that I know
Is that you have broken
Me
Left all others to see
That I am weak
That my future is bleak
What you've ruined
Isn't worth the time of day
And whatever you say
I cannot forgive
This broken shiv
In my back
Cause even as you attack
You do not understand
That this hand
Holding my pen
Is not afraid of the sin
Used to route my rage
Onto the page
Regardless
You have taken my bliss
Relentless
In your conquest
Put even the best
In the ground
The sound
Not reaching my ears
Or ridding the fears
Despite my friends
My back only bends
Conquered by you
As you put me through
More pain than even God
As humanity tortures
Each other
Even if I find another
The knife will stay
No matter how much I pray
For forgiveness

Still this endless
Pain
Will rain
Down upon me
For all others to see
Like fire
It will never tire
Of leaving me broken
All of my oaken
Defenses
Left senseless
My bones soak
In my own blood
No longer a stud
Who others respect
Instead I sit still
Hoping that what will
Come tomorrow
Will be better than this sorrow
Better than another day
Of waiting for you to say
That you are sorry
For what you have done

Frozen Rage

This was written on August 20th, 2010

I'm so filled with rage
As I blank out onto this page
My limbs shake and shiver
This is how it feels to be a giver
As people just take
Before spitting
Atop my kindness
You all look at me right now
Can you see the "Pow"
A gun going off in air
I just wanted to share
With you
Everything you put me through
As I go into a rage freeze
Every breath is a breeze
Against my skin
When back then
You gave heat to me
Now can't you see?
That you drain
Putting through pain
My essence
I miss your presence
My fingers beat this keyboard
Where my words once soared
Now they are dropped like the horde
Of Jews that Hitler slaughtered
And the beads of the sottering
Gun
Isn't it fun
To see these bullets
On the page
Reasons that I fill with rage
Pushed to the brim
Creating a trim
Better form
As I lose my warm
And lose to my freeze rage
In my mind
Leave everything behind
Becoming the negativity
Of a man lost inside himself
Putting his happiness on a shelf
So he can bring to this page
The rage
That you birth
What are you really worth?
When all you do is breed
Pushing your seed
Into the hearts of man
Every breath a fan
Moving to cool
Freezing our drool
And snot
To the cot
I lay upon
Though you are long gone
Now
Still somehow
You rot my brain
Driving me insane
So this institution
Holds the key
Returning to me
My salvation
Trials and tribulations
Of love
I scream to the stars above
Because I realize
Through all these sighs
I caused this myself
Pushing my happiness onto a shelf
By choosing to fall
To stop and stall
Next to you
To let you know what I've been through
To relive
Everything you did give
To me
So don't you see
I lost my love for you
When you took what was red
Making it blue
My beautiful skin
You are my sin
Frozen in rage
Words fill this page
So I remember
That you dismember
My heart
Tearing me apart
For your enjoyment
Still I play the game
Hoping everything will be the same
After I write this poem
Knowing all the while
That my style
Passion
Created by you
After you put me through
The pain of a thousand
Still I can stand
Regardless of your hand
Holding the knife
Created by strife
In my back
Adding to the stack
Of those who have hurt
Larger than a gangster shirt
It sits in the corner
Of my mind
Someday I'll leave it behind
Until then
I will continue to win
Regardless of the pain
The muscle strain
As my heart aches
All the abuse it takes
Is not enough
Because it is tough
It won't bring me to my knees
Not as long as I please
My pen

Will You Love Me?

This was written on August 19th 2010

You turn on my flame
So I'll play this game
Turning through the pages of life
Fighting off all of my strife
As I sit here on a plane
Keeping in mind what I gain
By being with you
Your lips speak true
Yet I have not seen you
Though the word is taboo
I must say that I love you
Though our conversations be few
It's been a long month
And that alone is a triumph
Two weeks was my rule
Standing steadfast as a tool
So I vow to you this
That our first kiss
Will burn me
Insides turning
As I watch the stars
From morning till night
I wish for you in my sight
I am yours to grab
Whom no other can have
Cause I love you
Despite my knowledge so few
With no college ahead
A military career instead
I can promise the support
And visits while at port
Cause to me you are worth
Possibly missing my son's birth
Though I do not wish
To miss the breaking dish
Of his first real meal
So I'll make you a deal
My service is to you
I just hope you love me too
So that my sacrifice
Doesn't put you in a vice
Where you feel the pressure
Causing a fissure
Please
For the sake
Of all that we take
From this Earth
Let us birth
Something wonderful
Together as one
First with a son
Because I wish to solidify
Even if we do defy
Reason of society
So if you wish to lie
As long as not to me
I will sail the deep sea
Bringing you treasure
For your pleasure
An apple tree
For our boy to see
Pearls
Color of the sea twirls
For our daughter
Who will never be hotter
Than you
Who split my focus in two
When you walked into class
So far in the past
I couldn't take my eyes
Nobody knew my cries
Were of happiness
Pure bliss
Caused by you
As my heart split
So pleased as you sit
Near me
So that I can see
Who you are
I'll show you the scar
Left behind
Deep inside my mind
Because you will care
Instead of tear
At it
Please love me
For all the world to see
And together we can be
The start of a family

Lying and Sighing

This was written on August 19th 2010

I have this tendency to shuffle
Cards
At least when I'm nervous
I use them to concentrate
In the hopes to relax
So that things don't tax
My brain
Driving me insane
You see
Everything that I think about
Continues to make me doubt
Things about myself
At least in my own extensions
Of these arms
Keeping others from harm
Though I have a strong heart
I know I'll tear apart
All intuition
Bringing to fruition
This raw power
That tastes so sour
As I push those
That once rose
Bringing out their insides
The kindness that just rides
Atop their blood
Scrubbing with the suds
Coming from our soap
A fragrance to hide the dope
That everyone seems to smoke
Continuing to toke
Despite the legality
Man it's a tragedy
That people must rely
Listening about what they should try
When others say they need
This beautiful weed
To bring forth the best inside themselves
It makes me so sad
How about you?
Do you feel this pain
As others fight in the rain
Of our mothers' blood
Just so they can have food
Just pass the joint dude
But why
Why must we defy
Pushing ourselves to lie
And falsely testify
To the guilt of others
Forcing them to wilt
Over some choice they made
To drink the kool aid
I mean
We all drink it don't we
In some form or another
Sisters and brothers
Are we not hypocrites
As we lie about the drugs
Of this generation
The absolute degradation
Pushing all the faith
Into the gutters
The kid mutters
Avoiding the attention
While using his tuition
Angering the teachers
Avoiding all his preachers
Just there to party
Though his body may be hardy
It will burn out too
Then he'll try to sue
The college that gives to him
The books he only skims
You see we all take for granted
Cause this world has become slanted
People just sit and deceive
Us
About all that we receive
Telling us of medication
When all we need is meditation
To keep us from going insane
Living a life so plain
The office of sincerity
Is closed
At least for the majority
Cause we all lie
Forced to testify
Avoiding our guilt
Covered in the silt
Coals burning under my feet
As you sit in your seat
Can you feel the heat
Of these words
Coming from my proverbial pen
Instead I see a sin
Inside all of us
Even when we rode on the bus
To school
And followed the rule
Of our parents
Who told us of the medication
Whose legality
We could all see
Though every time we would pee
The test came up positive
Cause we wanted to live
On the edge
Pushing past our boundaries
Wrong or right
We have all lost sight
Of what must be important
This life we are given
So take hold
Find a way to mold
This place
Inside yourself
Forge yourself a shelf
Of your accomplishments
Keep everything important
Inside your heart
Don't forget to start
A chart
Of your progress
As writing goals
Is the way to our souls
Truest inspiration
So forget the drugs
And hold onto the hugs
Cause in the end
We all depend
On one another
As sisters and brothers

My Ultimate Slam Poem

This was written on August 18th 2010

Can't you all feel my pain
As words fill these veins
With non-dropping
Show stopping
Lyrical wit
Man I don't give a shit
Where you're from
Cause in this kingdom
Of the US of A
Those who have nothin to say
Just don't belong
Cause boy
We are all equal
Ain't nobody regal
Not even I am better
Than the rich boys in sweaters
But I do have my goals
And walking on coals
Won't scare me away
From the beautiful day
When equality rains
Relieving the pains
Of those who've been broken
Even these words spoken
Will be forgotten
So to the rotten
You must know this
That God's kiss
Upon this hand
Won't swallow the land
Cause nobody owns it
And man I don't give a shit
Where you're from
Cause we all scream for freedom
So why don't we band together
Like birds of a feather
No matter what comes our way
We'll find the words to say
Standing up for what we believe
So that whatever we receive
Won't leave us behind
Or devour our one track mind
To bring together all man
So that we all stand
Facing our foes
And wiggling our toes
In the sandy beaches
That extend beyond all reaches
Of destruction
Cause we all know we pollute
Breeding and seeding
This world
With ourselves
And nothing else
Even those who push to grow
They all know
That we pollute
With our cars and shoots
From the guns
That we use to say who won
Ain't nobody gonna be around
To hear all the sounds
Of this Earth
Regrowing
To put forth knowing
That another generation
Will destroy
It
Don't anybody give a shit
That we're strangling
And mangling
This world we live upon
As we're all used as pawns
Of corporations
Whose sole purpose is generations
Enslavement
So they can put down pavement
Trapping this Earth
So it can't give birth
To us
Or harbor Jesus'
Love
To the stars above
I scream
My dream
That someday
We will find the words to say
Stand up and fight
For all that we know is right
And come together as man
All holding hands
To see this
World of ultimate bliss
For what it is
Our mother
And nothing other
Than our respect
Should she receive
Instead we still deceive
Ourselves
Putting our trophies on our shelves
That she made
And having our parades
In respect for everything
But her
So to those here today
I ask that you join me to pray
For the idea
That one day
We will all find that courage
To stand up for what we believe
And back away from those that deceive
Us
Into this corporatocracy
Will you all fight
For what we know is right
Or will you just stand
Without holding a hand
Thumbs in your pockets
As all these rockets
Explode
And destroy our Earth
Where our birth
Came to be
You must see
That this is it
Please tell me that you give a shit

Our Gift

This was written on August 16th 2010

It's so appalling
Just how enthralling
Our consumerism is driven
The fact that we are given
This
At birth
An idea to look for worth
To spread ourselves through space
It's a competitive and bloody race
So bringing to the table
All those who are able
It's just how you play the game
Nobody is treated the same
Cause life isn't fair
Not this time
Not in this place
Not while we all race
Through life and through time
Working for our dimes
But not buying them
Or digging for a gem
To symbolize your marriage
Or pull an extra edge
So work toward your play
And live another day
But don't forget our present
Cause the precious
Grants our wishes
Setting us free
If only just to be

My Pen Bleeds for You

This was written on August 10th 2010

I'm in the best shape of my life
As I push through this strife
Just to be with you.
Soul, body and mind
Working from behind
My tears
Pushing for years
Just to get to this
And I'll hold back till you're ready to kiss
These lips
Or listen to any tips
That I might have for you
As I am a bit older
Ever if I do not have the soul
To be better
As you are the superior
When you take all my fear away
Just by walking in the room
And I'm hoping to see you soon
Because just this morning has rocked my mind
Pushed me to the line
With toes ready to go
I'll run all the way until my legs scream,
"It's just too much!"
Then I'll run some more
Because my life before
You
Was not nearly enough to satisfy my pen
You see, cause back then
Back then I didn't have love
So I'd scream to the stars above
For a mother or some other
Who would take me into their arms
Protecting me from harm
Cause even as a big man I need that too
And without it I'd come unglued
Cause you see I grew up without a moms
Much like you
And tom from myspace
He was my best friend
Around the age of ten
Though the site had not quite grown
To be so well known
By all of these folks
Who keep on toking.
But substance abuse is not the point of this poem
Instead the focus rests on you
Who took the pieces of me torn in two
Sewing them back together with your love
You see
Now when I scream to the stars above
It is in thanks
So this is to you
The one who made this new me possible
May our love continue to grow
Like this apple tree
So others can feast upon and learn
From us
Until we return to the soil

Without You By My Side

This was written on the 8th of August, 2010

Every inch of every mile
This distance is a trial
Testing my love for you
Instead I feel broken in two
The moments without you burn
All my insides turn
To me it's like a lack of sunlight
Come tearing through the night
My outsides are cool
But my insides burn

The night invigorates me
Until everything can I see
Thought without you in front
I have nothing to look at
Without you I am lonely
Even through my success
You are still my best
With you at my side
I know I can provide
For the kids we want
Without you by my side
I will not want to ride
Through this life provided
It will only be one sided
So I ask for you to be
In love with all you see

Nothing

This was written on the 5th of June 2010

This thing that stands before me is terrifying
So terrifying that I am stuck in place
It's funny that to some this something is nothing
Just the future, not something to concern us
Everything hinges on this moment
Happiness and success hinges on this moment
This something is becoming nothing
Not to me but to others
Even as nothing becomes something
Life blooming from this nothing
Creating something to create fear
Fear creates nothing
Nothing turns into something
So this circle continues until end
Terrifying how a circle works
Repetition like distance training
Miles upon miles of arteries
Flowing through my body
So much oxygen taken in each breath
Still not enough
As I am breathless before this
This something that is nothing
My future which has yet to exist
Future will never exist
Only this moment on which everything hinges
Together with myself it can be conquered
Or inside of it I can flow
Like water through the ground
Forcing a path through steady
Relentless in my fury and power
Forcing through this nothing
Creating something with my passion for change
Change will come of this fear
As I stand before this nothing