The End

This was written on December 17th 2011

Proverbial pen
You have struck again
A voyage unlike any
Seen before it
Yet still there is an emptiness
Something left behind from another era
Where her hair fell upon limp hands
Waiting
As if to be brought back to life
She waited for his hands
His hands waited for her hair
Wishing that something could be felt
She leaned against his shoulder
Wanting to once again feel a sturdiness there
Pulling away
As if to say
That he gave it up once
But would not give it up again
She hurt him
More than either can understand
He hurt her
More than either can understand
So they sat
In silence
Wishing they could go back
To what they were before
But it was over

Jealousy and a New Life

This was written on December 12th, 2011

Sitting on the sidelines again

As all my friends pass me by

Finding love and success in their life

What do I have?

Nothing

What do I wish for?

Something

Still not enough effort springs forth

And with all these new wounds

It's too hard to even think

Let alone move

So sitting and pondering

Instead of acting and reacting

All I have is complaints

So my vision taints

To a jealous red

As my friend lies in bed

With a girl I've never been over

Funny how even when you know you're not ready

Even when the pen does not sit steady

In your hand

You find a way to write

To bite

Down on your own tongue

Until you bleed enough ink

To write again

Because passion is what pushes us forth

Both the pleasure and the pain

Still I wish I wasn't this person

I wish that I wasn't a writer

So that when my heart started to break again

The cycle was not sustained

By my wish to write

Were I to keep from dwelling in this
Maybe my feet would move again

And my heart would recover

Rather than sit here

Filled with jealousy

Still I came home

Knowing this was bound to happen

Just like my whole life here

All I've ever done is cause myself pain

Fall for the same girl again and again

Until my heart shattered so hard

That not even a shard

Could be found

I left behind happiness

Returning to this misery

For what?

For writing

The writing that defines me

And makes me sick

This is not a new life

Just a repetition

And this circle needs to be broken

The Bold Truth

This was written on August 21st 2011

If I were to push this pen

Would it be considered a sin

Is it a sin for me to force forth the bubbling curiosity of my life,

Onto these pages?

As if what I think is for everyone to know?

What am I to do when I begin to question myself?

Some part of me wishes for the sharing of my experience.

To just help people become a part of what I know,

Without having to feel it for themselves.

Something they can relate to,

Without experiencing the pain of.

Not that all of this is pain,

There is joy in everything I do.

Still,

That is why I share myself.

Opening up old wounds through my writing,

Until my pen bleeds upon this page.

Forming words of pure and open angst, rage and passion.

Somehow I have lost myself in my work though,

Stopped writing for myself,

Purely become a performer for the entertainment,

Excitement,

Sexual pleasure or sturdy shoulder,

Of those I love.

Love,

Means many things to many people.

As I sit in a town that expects marriage at a young age.

A town oriented around a religious belief which values honesty.

Sensing this foreboding quiet of forgotten honesty,

My bones are chilled and hairs stand on end.

They value something they do not push forth,

At least not with the full passion and providence of my expectations.

Truth takes no prisoners,

Harbors no passages of falsehood,

It is pure, rough, like giant boulders of barely cooling magma.

Burning with such a ferocity and heat,

But a beauty all its own.

I am drawn to its flame like bugs to a light.

Contemplate the depth of tenacity and full disclosure,

The kind that breaks passages,

Forms caverns,

Opens your mind to truth.

Waiting for Rain

This was written on July 22nd, 2011

Searching for a clean slate

Flooding forward with so much passion

No pen with which to capture and push forth

Pails and buckets are not large enough to contain

Nothing seems to sit, right now

Every word falls flat

Its beautiful sound lost on this tongue

Every word is spit forth, angry and devoid of meaning

Rage filling up the vast storage where no inspiration can be stored

Every word is as red as a target

Just waiting to be shot down with the red pen of the English teacher

Every word seems as if an empty world is backing it

There are no people, plants, animals, each world is devoid of life

Devoid of meaning

So searching deeper, delving deeper into the recesses

The cracks, canyons and caverns

Swimming through the atmosphere with wings made like fins

Nothing comes of it

Eventually even the wish to find inspiration fails

So the creature sits still, wings folded neatly in its lap

Waiting next to pails and buckets set up to capture the next rain

Hoping that with just that little bit of water

Life can spring forth again from one of these planets devoid of anything but rage

To the Girl I Once Knew

This was written on July 4, 2011

Trying so hard to avoid
Little reminders of you
Every thought and every dream
Eat me from inside, out
Like a hole in my stomach
Hydrochloric acid leaking out
Burning paths throughout
My insides as you simply touch
My mind
I want to leave it all behind

Can't we just let this silence end?
Can't we go back to being good friends?
Know that asking be too much
So I just let you touch

My mind

Let you use it as your stage
Let the others see the page
Where I made my choice
And held steadfast
When I created the last
True memory I have of you
All the explosives blast
As if a continual timer
Sits inside my heart
Every memory of you giving it a start
So that acids and blood
Come pouring forth again

Till I feel like I'm dying
Wishing that the feeling was true

Not just an exaggeration
Built from how much I'm missing you

Catacombs of my soul

This was written June 21st, 2011

Deeper than anything:
The graveyard of my soul

Every passage has branches

More tombs than any graveyard

Could ever hold

My soul is the soil

Soil for those around me

The ground on which you stand

Walk upon me softly

Every breath taken

Shifts stones deep inside

Opening another passage

Another tunnel

Inside my catacombs

Not one man, woman or child
Buried inside this tomb

Just the past

Buried for the better

The future shines through

Small cracks between each stone

The light of my life

Brighten forever more

A graveyard of memories

Passages of time and love
Come and go as you please

But I ask
With every sight you see

Add another

Make another memory inside

Forge another pathway

In my mind

For nothing is greater

Than the memories

I have here

Life is a Boulder

This was written on May 25th 2011

In the soul

A rolling boulder

Trying

So hard to move on

Nothing left to hold it

Without Sisyphus
The boulder has no purpose

For a while standing still

Then the rolling

Begins to overtake it

Losing all control

Afraid at first

The wind whipping

Trying to hold

No success in slowing

This boulder of life

The boulder feels compassion

For Sisyphus

Understands why it was left

On the hill

Understanding

That it has another purpose

It becomes its own

Inspiration

Pure as spring water

Straight from the aquifer

Crisp and clean

This soul

Is rolling

A boulder

Seeking

Compassion

Words cannot

Change this thought

It is time

To move on

Rolling

Forward

The Noise Diver

This was written on May 23, 2011

The morning's silence

Broken by a sound

Rippling

Through the empty halls

Feeling the noise

Touching

Tingling

Hairs shift to meet it

To feel it against them

The sound has a hand

Running down this arm

Softly feeling

Not quite touching the skin

Into the soft back

The noise plunges

A dive from a thirty foot cliff

Cold and stiff

It ripples again

Up and down a spine

No pain and no fear

Just ripples

Across this body of water

The diver feels no noise

Only silence

Beneath the surface

The ripples stop

For a moment

All is peaceful again

A single bubble floats

To the surface

Ripples beginning anew

The noise

The diver

Leaves the water

Every hair stands on end

Searching for that hand

Which had brushed so softly

Had touched so nicely

Craving the feeling once more

The noise broke peace

Created a life

Ended a life

The noise is life

Everything we know

We've yet to know

When did noise change you

When did a diver send ripples

Through your body

As he broke the surface

Did you feel pain

Or just a tingle

A soft hand creating a craving

For more

Regurgitation

This was written on April 29th, 2011

A craving for knowledge growing and flowing

The river that created the Grand Canyon

Faster than the passion can grow

It is overwhelmed by the useless

Commercials flooding my mind

Products I would not dare to dream of using

Closing my eyes I can see more images

Littering the inside of my eyelids

Clawing at my eyes to make it stop

To see the black behind my lids again

Sitting in complete darkness for weeks

Just wishing

Wishing that I could go back to my childhood

Not for the innocence of the world

Or the lack of responsibility

Purely so I can feel a passion for learning

A passion so pure that its white hot flame

Would not be dissuaded by media's fourth coming

People seem to cope with this flood

Better than I've ever been able to

So many issues with society and culture

So little time to even open my mouth

Another plate of information devoured

I can feel my insides burning

Begging me to stop and take a break

But I know not how

I've been taught to gorge myself

Take what I can while I can take it

Fear pushes me forward

There may not be another day

For me to learn this

Somewhere along the way I forgot something

It was important

I know that I set it down near here

Near the first memories of my childhood

Or was it here when I was part of a team of greats

Maybe it was here when I got my first real job

I can't find it and the memory of its existence fades

Again I tried searching

Hoping for an answer that I once knew no question to

But another plate is set down in front of me

Filled with information of a royal wedding

I try to protest that I'm full

Try to explain that I don't like this food

But as I open my mouth

I feel the information shoved in

Convulsing, I feel as if I'm about to explode

All those buffets of information start leaking out

Every orifice pours out words and pictures

Movies and novels

Stories and math I'd never dreamed of

Everything I'd ever wanted to know goes with it

I sit with a passion again

But no reasonable understanding of where to begin

Surrounded by regurgitated knowledge

I begin to gorge once more

This is Not a Love Poem

This was written on April 7th, 2011

I've been avoiding this
Avoiding my pen for weeks now

Trying not to pick it up

Because I know the truth

That the only one I want to write for

Is you

The ink is so dark

Against this paper

Like blood against your skin

And the remorse that stains me

Takes my heart and crushes it

Leaves nothing for me to stand with

No strength to hold myself up

But no reason to let myself down

I've already broken my own vows

Torn myself from a marriage

Of our minds

Intertwined

With nothing but an idea

The idea to succeed

In this shit hole world

Where bullets strike little girls

But that's not the point

Of these words

I'm not looking at our society

Only at myself

Where I went wrong with you

When I tried to pressure you

And rape you with my words

Don't be absurd

You know what I did

But still you tried to swallow your shame

And I caused you more pain

By pushing on your stomach

Where I know you stored what I'd done

So you vomited in response

An eruption of words sprung forth

Like the fountain of lies I'd been telling myself

That pushing you on this subject

Was okay

But I knew better

And our friendship ended that day

I wish you could have seen

The world as I did

Saw a future for us both

Together

Living on into forever

But I knew better than to believe

Knew better than to deceive

Myself into believing

That we could be anything but friends

But this is not a love poem

I'm not trying to make you understand

What crossed my mind

I just want to apologize

For what I've done to you

But I know that it doesn't matter

So you won't ever read these words

Because you'd just deny

That I had any affect

You're too strong and proud

To admit that there was something

Between your lies

That was truth

You said you loved me once

I wanted to believe you

But this is not a love poem

It's an apology

That you'll never hear

Because you're too proud

To admit that I did anything

In the first place

But I'm sorry

For saying what I said

And for forgetting my duty

As your pedestal

Failed Faith

This was written on February 19th, 2011

Been trying not to write

Not to bite

Onto your lies

There are no fries

In my basket of grease

Nothing left to feed you

Use the salt to heal your wounds

But my hands can't seal them

Too much blood for me to stop

Your heart beats too hard

Too fast

Last night my head hit the pavement

Slammed senseless

Without remorse or recourse

Just a straight path to the grave

Where I sit with the flowers

Pushing them from my chest

There is no rest

For me now

There is something I must conquer

Standing by your side

My hands stained with your blood

I lift you up

High into the clouds

Letting you soar above the others

I became your pedestal

A year and a half ago

Your first words meant nothing

Our first hug had no feeling

Emotion passed between us

Without a consideration

Now I'm sitting here

With a broken pen

Ink staining my hands

The same way your blood did

In a dream I once told you of

Where a girl bled out in my arms

You did not know

Because I did not want you to

Now I hide in my own faith

It's disturbing

Because I'm still afraid

To tell you the truth

The Man Who Tells Time by the Sun

This was written on February 7th, 2011

In a world of computer technology

There's a man who tells time by the sun

And he looks at me with his one good eye

He says, "Son you haven't yet won"

"Cause this world is a cruel mistress"

"She'll beat you and break you some day"

It has always been my belief that life is what you make it

This man was tattered and torn

Wearing himself in his clothes

Until his worn down soles

Knew the truth of his soul

I did not agree with his notion

That the world would break me

This is because I am strong

Like an old oak tree in a wind storm

I am Gandalf before a Balrog

Inside I feel no fear

"You shall not pass"

The words echoed from my lips

Looking the man in the eyes I laughed

I left him standing there staring after me

To this day I regret that I didn't have a better response

If I were to turn back the clock with what I know now

"Life is what you make it,"

"You can blame it for your misery."

"It throws things at you without warning."

"Shoves things down your throat,"

"Until you realize that even your stomach has boundaries."

To the man who tells time by the sun

Know that there will always be struggles

To all of you living today

There will always be struggles

But life is what you make it

If you believe that you are incapable

Then I suggest you rethink your conviction

Because those thoughts are pure fiction

Humans have come to fly

Pushed out a lie a day

Found ways to get paid

Been laid

Down to rest by our mothers and fathers

Life is not about your pain

It's about your pleasure

So you should learn to treasure

Every moment with a lover

Every hug from your brother

Because every moment is a million years

Even all of the tears

From every bad experience

Has the salt to seal your wounds

So do not assume that you are broken

That any words you have spoken

Will go without memory from this world

Do not give up on life

Before it has given up on you

Because I have learned from the best

And taught to the worst

That life is what you make it

You can't just forget

But instead you must remember

To dismember the attempts of those who try to break you

Fighting for what is worth it

Life is worth it

Death is an end to something too beautiful

It will come to you eventually

Like love, it will blossom when you least expect it

But you cannot just give up

So look at everything around you

And look deep inside of yourself

What is it that you have to offer

And what does life offer you

One Chance

This was written on January 4th, 2011

I still have feelings for you

Held my tongue so long it's blue

After all this time

All I want is a chance

Just a chance to dance

Once with you

Without running myself through

Atop this spear

I carry just in case I hear

Your name

Because in this world

There are dead, dying, and the lame

The latter is what I am

But I no longer give a damn

I just want to get to know

Spend some time with you

So that I can go

Home

To myself and confirm

Whether I really like you

Or whether all my tongue holding

Was for nothing more than fear

I can't move on until I've given it a real shot

So I'm asking for you to spot

My efforts

Just give me a chance

We can go see a movie

Spend some time together

Like real people do

Rather than keep this strained

Like tight ropes

Relationship

Between us

Romantic Memory

This was written on January 1st, 2011

December of Two Thousand Eight

Ready to leave my life behind

Not giving in to suicide

Finally giving in to the will to leave

Leave behind everything that haunted me

The friendships that had taunted me

With some semblance of regularity

A life with one single flaw

Creating a beautiful chain reaction

The broken pen's ink staining my shirt

Much as my mother's pen has stained my life

Filled my soul with strife

So that night so long ago

I was standing by your door

Hoping that someone would see

Hoping someone would stop me

From leaving Spokane forever

Nobody saw and nobody heard

Silently folding my shirt

Placing it on your bottom step

My cell phone placed so neatly

The last text I planned to send

Letting everyone know

Spokane would no longer be home

Though message misdelivered

Still you moved

Everyone moved

To stop me

But I didn't see

Because I was blinded

My reason and passion

Stripped from me

The way that you strip my words

Leaving them naked

Because I love you

In a romantic way

I'm not in love with you

But I do love you

You took my soul

Beating it with your ice pick

Cracking it

Putting a small hole in my shell

The frozen heart I had

Paralyzed with fear

Torn apart by the loss of my mother

Was broken to emotion once more

So I have you to thank

Our interaction pushed me far

It is my motivation to write now

The one romantic memory

Turning point in my life

Thank you

I will never forget

December of Two Thousand Eight