Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Jealousy and a New Life

This was written on December 12th, 2011

Sitting on the sidelines again
As all my friends pass me by
Finding love and success in their life
What do I have?
What do I wish for?
Still not enough effort springs forth
And with all these new wounds
It's too hard to even think
Let alone move
So sitting and pondering
Instead of acting and reacting
All I have is complaints
So my vision taints
To a jealous red
As my friend lies in bed
With a girl I've never been over

Funny how even when you know you're not ready
Even when the pen does not sit steady
In your hand
You find a way to write
To bite
Down on your own tongue
Until you bleed enough ink
To write again
Because passion is what pushes us forth
Both the pleasure and the pain
Still I wish I wasn't this person
I wish that I wasn't a writer
So that when my heart started to break again
The cycle was not sustained
By my wish to write
Were I to keep from dwelling in this
Maybe my feet would move again
And my heart would recover
Rather than sit here
Filled with jealousy

Still I came home
Knowing this was bound to happen
Just like my whole life here
All I've ever done is cause myself pain
Fall for the same girl again and again
Until my heart shattered so hard
That not even a shard
Could be found
I left behind happiness
Returning to this misery
For what?
For writing
The writing that defines me
And makes me sick
This is not a new life
Just a repetition
And this circle needs to be broken

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