Jealousy and a New Life

This was written on December 12th, 2011

Sitting on the sidelines again

As all my friends pass me by

Finding love and success in their life

What do I have?

Nothing

What do I wish for?

Something

Still not enough effort springs forth

And with all these new wounds

It's too hard to even think

Let alone move

So sitting and pondering

Instead of acting and reacting

All I have is complaints

So my vision taints

To a jealous red

As my friend lies in bed

With a girl I've never been over

Funny how even when you know you're not ready

Even when the pen does not sit steady

In your hand

You find a way to write

To bite

Down on your own tongue

Until you bleed enough ink

To write again

Because passion is what pushes us forth

Both the pleasure and the pain

Still I wish I wasn't this person

I wish that I wasn't a writer

So that when my heart started to break again

The cycle was not sustained

By my wish to write

Were I to keep from dwelling in this
Maybe my feet would move again

And my heart would recover

Rather than sit here

Filled with jealousy

Still I came home

Knowing this was bound to happen

Just like my whole life here

All I've ever done is cause myself pain

Fall for the same girl again and again

Until my heart shattered so hard

That not even a shard

Could be found

I left behind happiness

Returning to this misery

For what?

For writing

The writing that defines me

And makes me sick

This is not a new life

Just a repetition

And this circle needs to be broken