Monday, September 13, 2010


This was written on September 13th, 2010

I was sitting there on my couch holding my pen
Considering a sin
You see, this couch I have, it's my resting place
I've spent months on this couch
Not just over time, but the last few months
On this couch
This couch that I now sit upon
Considering the possibility of ending
Ending everything that I've worked so hard to build
That is not to say that I've given up hope
More so that hope had given up on me
At least in this instant
In this instant
I was going over the conversation I'd just had with my friend
Trying to figure out where this notion comes from
Going over every conversation I'd ever had
With girls
Because every girl I've ever met
Has seen some part of me
Some part of me that makes them feel something
Not necessarily for me
Instead they feel something from me
A kind of love they cannot put to words
Or at least that they don't understand fully
Because all of these girls
Who have come in contact
With me
Have failed to see
What lies beneath my surface
Instead what they see
Is someone who is trying to plea
For their attention
Looking for their love and their comforting arms
To protect him from harm
While this is true to a degree I suppose
It's not what I want from them
I do not wish to be with them
As much as I wish that they were with me
I do not wish for something romantic
Not with any woman or man that I've met since her
You see I am a pure romantic
Deep down in the core of my being
I hold women up on a pedestal
So that I can smash myself down further into the ground
When that pedestal falls on me
Because you see
This conversation I had with this friend of mine
Went something like this
Hey there hot stuff
Hey there
How ya doin today?
Pretty good how about you?
I'm doing fantastic
That's great
Yeah, actually I was wondering, any chance you wanna go see a movie with me
My friend is going to see a movie I like
What movie
Resident Evil
Ah, I don't really like Resident Evil
Oh alright
What about Scott Pilgrim
At this point I'm now looking up movies and movie times
There was a pause between her Scott Pilgrim and my answer
Also considering why she wants to go see a movie
A movie with obvious romantic connotations
Why see that movie with me
You see at this point
She's already come to the conclusion
She's created this illusion
That I like her
As something more than what I do
And it isn't true
You see I care about her as a person
And there is no worse one
For me to care about
In all of my friends
As at every turn she drives me insane
Pushes me through the window pane
There is no fall
But that does not keep the pain from me
It tears through my body
Because she always hinges on two questions
Is your friend hot?
Do you want my nuts?
Which by the way is a question which is nuts
I know she does not have nuts
Nor has she lost any from her brain
So why she would ask if I want them
Is beyond me
Sure it's an expression
But not so much one of affection
And so my infection
Of anger spreads
Tearing me to shreds
So I ask that if you get to know me
You look deeper in any attempt to see
That there is something there
Something deeper down
And that my actions don't always show
That I do want you as a friend
But nothing more than that

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