Leave it Be

This was written on November 12, 2010

We keep putting this off

And the feeling is as soft

As your words

When your lips part

Your words give my heart

A startling jump

Which they've always done

Cause even the sun

Fell under your domain

Burning brighter with you around

Every sound had more meaning

But to return

To chance another burn

From you

Well I do not know

What I should do

Will I someday look back

Will I still lose track

Of all the pain

Because it's a bigger gain

When you're around

Even my own sound

Echoes out

With more power

My mouth is last left sour

And still

It is a thrill

To know you through the years

So I'll give three cheers

To not having you here

At least not quite yet

But I can bet

That you will be soon

Again I will swoon

Before the pleasure

Of this I am sure

Because to me you are fun

And I cannot run from the fun

Second Chance?

This was written on November 11, 2010

I find it quite interesting

That after all this time

You are still the reason I rhyme

And do not write

As I'm choosing not to fight

Myself

Instead I let the words

Use me

So have you heard?

That I have become the verb

It is so superb

Just letting it go and flow

Because now I know

That all I have to do

Is show to you

That after all you put me through

I have only one thing to show

The experience that

Bloodied me like a gangster with a bat

And every hat I wear

Is used to shadow which I cannot bear

To show upon my face

To our human race

Because I do not know

If I can once again throw

Caution to the wind

No matter where I've been

I will not get over you

Even if the last story is right

If my everlasting fight

Comes to an end

And I come to bend

Before you again

So tell me if I'll win

Will I win?

Will I win if once again

I put my heart in my hand

Taking a firm stand

And holding it out to you

Or will you once again screw

My brain

With your hazardous drill

Causing that shrill

Screeching

As my skull begs for mercy

A million times thirty

Times did it call

For me to end it all

With reason

Which was just out of season

So now I am left

Again at a crossroads

Staring at the cleft

Just left of my heart

Where the first time

Where the first time you missed

I know naught of guarantee

That a second aim

Will miss what makes me

If you took my stories before

What more are you coming back for?

Do you wish for my life?

Are you here for my soul?

Would you like me to serve it in a bowl?

So tell me why should I trust

Why it is that I must

Let you back in

Because if I ever suffer the past again

I will not survive

I will not contest

I will just lay down

Forever at rest

Going Away

This was written on November 4th, 2010

You throw everything away

Just because you want to say

That she matters more

Every score

There is to settle

Between us

Doesn't matter to you

Because whenever we're through

You're in her arms

Forgetting of my existence

Even if I'm in the room

But you don't care

You can't even smell the doom

Of our friendship

Because you took the one song

That matters to me

You took the one dance I can do

Ran me through and through

So you could let her sing

Because you plan to place a ring

Upon her finger

Letting me linger

Outside for you

So that if your plans fall through

You'll have someone to come back to

You say that there's nothing I can do

To ruin our friendship

But there is, and you're doing it

I no longer give a shit

Because if you keep on

When you wake up

I will be long gone

A Flower for You

This was written on November 4th, 2010

I was in the store so filled with doubt

That my lungs were begging to scream and shout

A flower I could not find for you

That listed off my intentions true

I thought of the purple Camellia

As it met the shade of my face

As all of my breath leaves without a trace

Nothing left when I talk to you

Because your voice still echoes

Inside of my head

Rattling my brain so much

I really should be dead

But I resist the urge to close my eyes

Because of the others who chose lies

Then there was the Camellia so pink

But I stopped myself before I could think

Because some part of me believes

That you would despise

A brightness that stares so deep in your eyes

So I came upon a lonely rose

Of deepness black and it I chose

Because I know your heart is deep in pain

I field so many attempts in vain

So I chose to make a promise

Someday this rose will shine of red

As I have restored inside of you

The truest love any has felt

Because nothing less do you deserve

And so here I am ready to serve

Yes or No?

This was written on October 25th 2010

Battered and broken

With words yet to be spoken

Because I am afraid to open my mouth

For your opinion of me going south

It is bound to happen

As every other

Has left me behind

Every girl I've felt for

Has wanted more

Than I could ever provide

Not even if they were at my side

Forever and always

If we were never to die

I could not live up to the expectations

Because all of my pit stop locations

Do not meet up with theirs

By this I mean

That I have an obscene

Ability to force myself away

To push those who might care astray

Because I get selfish

I started this off because I wanted to say

That I'd like a chance

To take you for a dance

Maybe in the rain

Because all of the pain

That you've ever felt

Needs to be washed away with pleasure

And the rain

Is the best thing I know of

What I really wanted to say is

That I like you

I've never met you

Still I feel something inside me

Wishing to hold you in my arms

Shelter you from the harms

That others throw your way

And maybe someday

I can take you out

So what do you say?

Broken Promises

This was written on September 21st, 2010

It's not that I don't trust you personally

However, your actions seem a might suspicious

That is not to say that you are suspect

I just find myself wanting to inspect

Your virtues

So put yourself in my shoes

You cheated on him once before

Saying that you needed more

Than what he was giving

Now I'm reliving this vision

Of him in pain

Just after he's begun to recover

From another wound

You ditched your last boy toy

Don't try to be coy

About how you did it either

You threw him aside

Regardless of his disrespect toward you

I find myself wondering

Will my friend suffer too

Be tossed aside as you did the first time

Even as you pushed aside the last slime

So do not take it personally

I just wish to protect my brother

Because that is what he is to me

So when he hurts I am brought to my knees

Finding pleas

Working up from deep inside me

Praying for his pain to end

If only for a moment

I cannot bear to see him suffer again

In fact I will brand you with sin

Should you break him as you have before

Because you need that

The responsibility of upholding him

As he wishes to uphold you

So please

I wish to put the past behind

Show me that you will not

That you will not

Break my friend

Or I will have to break you

Friendship

This was written on September 13th, 2010

I was sitting there on my couch holding my pen

Considering a sin

You see, this couch I have, it's my resting place

I've spent months on this couch

Not just over time, but the last few months

On this couch

This couch that I now sit upon

Considering the possibility of ending

Ending everything that I've worked so hard to build

That is not to say that I've given up hope

More so that hope had given up on me

At least in this instant

In this instant

I was going over the conversation I'd just had with my friend

Trying to figure out where this notion comes from

Going over every conversation I'd ever had

With girls

Because every girl I've ever met

Has seen some part of me

Some part of me that makes them feel something

Not necessarily for me

Instead they feel something from me

A kind of love they cannot put to words

Or at least that they don't understand fully

Because all of these girls

Who have come in contact

With me

Have failed to see

What lies beneath my surface

Instead what they see

Is someone who is trying to plea

For their attention

Looking for their love and their comforting arms

To protect him from harm

While this is true to a degree I suppose

It's not what I want from them

I do not wish to be with them

As much as I wish that they were with me

I do not wish for something romantic

Not with any woman or man that I've met since her

You see I am a pure romantic

Deep down in the core of my being

I hold women up on a pedestal

So that I can smash myself down further into the ground

When that pedestal falls on me

Because you see

This conversation I had with this friend of mine

Went something like this

Hey there hot stuff

Hey there

How ya doin today?

Pretty good how about you?

I'm doing fantastic

That's great

Yeah, actually I was wondering, any chance you wanna go see a movie with me

My friend is going to see a movie I like

What movie

Resident Evil

Ah, I don't really like Resident Evil

Oh alright

What about Scott Pilgrim

At this point I'm now looking up movies and movie times

There was a pause between her Scott Pilgrim and my answer

Also considering why she wants to go see a movie

A movie with obvious romantic connotations

Why see that movie with me

You see at this point

She's already come to the conclusion

She's created this illusion

That I like her

As something more than what I do

And it isn't true

You see I care about her as a person

And there is no worse one

For me to care about

In all of my friends

As at every turn she drives me insane

Pushes me through the window pane

There is no fall

But that does not keep the pain from me

It tears through my body

Because she always hinges on two questions

Is your friend hot?

And

Do you want my nuts?

Which by the way is a question which is nuts

I know she does not have nuts

Nor has she lost any from her brain

So why she would ask if I want them

Is beyond me

Sure it's an expression

But not so much one of affection

And so my infection

Of anger spreads

Tearing me to shreds

So I ask that if you get to know me

You look deeper in any attempt to see

That there is something there

Something deeper down

And that my actions don't always show

That I do want you as a friend

But nothing more than that

Human

This was written on September 10th, 2010

Everyone talks about the one

The one who won

Before it ever begun

So I have to be honest

There's this girl that is a test

Of my character

Because I want to give everything to her

I have dreamed about holding her by the fire

Where the light and shadows play on her face

Because I want to run my hands over her body

Feeling every bit of her

Not so much sexually

As it is texturally

Motivated

And to keep myself sated

I keep faking interest in these others

These girls who act like mothers

As if I knew how a mother would act

After being backed

So far into this corner that I have no escape

Nowhere to go from here

Even my greatest fear

Running my hands lightly

Over the skin

That covers my wounds

Thicker where they hurt the most

Quicker healing is a power

Not of super people

But of the natural

So my heart pounds

And these sounds

Of self disapproval

Cause me to quiver in fear

Stuck in place, here

Where that one girl

Left me to hurl

At the finish lane of my greatest race

Where I forgot how to pace

Just did what was natural

Still

With all my strength

I lost out

Now I have no doubt

That she has moved on

She is so far gone

That once again

I feel my heart break

The Earth quake

As I remember how human

I really am

The Spell Checker

This was written on September 9th, 2010

Now that I'm less lazy and tired
Maybe I'm inspired
So I will write for you to read
Possibly plant a seed
So deep inside of your mind
That you might be left behind
And forget what it means to speak
Forcing all of your mind to leak
As well
Onto this page
Emptying you of rage
So that you can become the sage
Of tomorrow
And take away this sorrow
That is caused to me
Whenever I see
That people forget how to use
Choosing instead to abuse
Their spell checker
The one being there
Who wishes to help them get smarter
Regardless of its own anguish
And the time it has to spend telling
You
Over and over again
That sin
Is in sense
But it is not the incense

Which changes an atmosphere

Instead it is what most fear
And still it keeps on trying
As you keep prying
At the boundaries of our language

And the lion of your words
Does not roar
Because the birds cannot soar
When you fail at language
So do not forsake your words
Cause we all want to be heard
And some want to hear you
But that doesn't mean that I can sit through
Everything you do wrong
Even if intentionally
Because even as it is my strength
Poetry is my weakness
With all the rules it breaks
It just takes
My breath away
So I cannot scream
But I can still deem
When you need

To pick up the good book

Remind you of the class you took

Back in grade school

So that you will use that one tool

That they provided you with

The ability to look outside yourself

Finding a knowledge that you do not possess

So you too can rely on its wisdom

Becoming better and fuller for it

So just listen to its wisdom

And I will thank you

Happiness is Free my Friends

This was written on September 7, 2010

Music seems to fuel my soul

It continues to grow old

With every lyric I hear

My mind begins to disappear

You see

This thing deep inside of me

Is screaming to be let free

So that it can also see

This beautiful world we have

We all take it for granted

To some degree we're all aware

Of just what it is that we share

Upon this earth

Where we were birthed

There is this beautiful thing

Which causes all the angels to sing

Because of the pure joy

Of life

Regardless of the strife

That comes with a conscience

It's just common sense

The real kind of common

Not the stuff that we only joke about

Because if you don't know it

Then you don't know what has lit

This conversation

Or rather this one sided piece of prose

Where I point a finger at those

Who sit here today without understanding

And to those who could not make it today

Whether kept from our company

Because they cannot see

What is falling apart in front of them

Or whether they themselves are falling apart

So I must give this a start

Pull the proverbial lever

To flood the gates of your mind

So that I can remind you

Of what we've all pushed aside

You see

We sit here today by choice

And it is our choices that bring us glory

By the lord there is glory

In all our lives

The coffee that you're drinking

Its creation is a thing of wonder

The automobiles that brought you here

Not even an old kingdom seer

Could have predicted their invention

Because of the intention

Of God

We have become the sole race

That continues to out pace

Itself

We have ravaged and raided

Left our lawns broken or braided

Intertwining all the roots of unnatural

Imported plants

And now the word slants

Toward destruction

Surely we could look forward

Our eyes facing space

Get ourselves a taste

Of what is out there for us

So that we can all travel on a floating bus

To the schools that float

Like in the Jetsons

That old TV show

That we've probably long forgotten

Just like the history that brought me here

Because to me it is fear

That makes me wonder

If anyone else truly considers

The destruction we threaten

Joking about a simple detonation

Pushing a button to drop the bomb

And we drop the bomb on each other

Whether because we're cut off

Or just because someone scoffed

At the words we use to relate

What it is that we think about

I remember when I used to fish for trout

Back when the world was less complicated

Everything was simple

Just some fake flies

My father

And the fish in the water

Now I am older

So I find that I smolder

When my mind starts to wrap itself around

All of this horrid sound

Of politicians rattling off sales

A giant bidding session to the corporations

Sure we say that slavery is in our past

It was a blast

When I realized this truth

That we force ourselves into a booth

With a computer and a printer

Doing work for something that doesn't really matter

For this currency

Something to keep from being scammed

But isn't money the scam?

Isn't it one big sham?

That we tell ourselves to stay happy

Even when that happiness if faked

Because all of us are miserable sometimes

When it keeps us from what we love

By giving us a velvet glove

So that we can kiss it

I'd rather use it to wipe my shit

Because I refuse to enslave myself

For this fake meaning

That just keeps on steaming

From the hot lies added to its pile

It bubbles like rotting bile

So I ask you why you choose this fate

Why you choose to sate

The greedy corporations

Who force us into cubicles

Working for the food

That we could easily hunt ourselves

With all the tools we have

It's amazing to me that

Someone can take a bat and a ball

Make themselves happy for hours

And still we force ourselves

On top of these shelves

For this currency that most agree

Can't even buy happiness

Because happiness is free

Icarus

This was written on September 5th 2010

It all begins with a thought

With those who are fraught

Filled with regret

Those who will never forget

What they've done in the past

That they're standing last

Everyone else has fallen before them

Giving a chance to shine

So I'm losing my mind

Because I'll never forget

Won't ever let

The past rest

Because I know it's for the best

That I use my anger

To fuel me through danger

Whether it's just my own self sabotage

Or the falling things in my garage

As I clean it and hope for organization

Because all of this sensation

Is nothing but a memory

A reminder of the purgatory

That I now sit inside

Life has taken me for a ride

But now everything is still

Like the life in my portraits

It has stopped

My pen has been dropped

For what feels like ages

And all of the sages

That are my elders

Tell me that I shouldn't worry

But I have to tell this story

Of how my rage takes me too far

Because there has to be a bar

That I've exceeded along the road

That I've taken too much time

Pushed myself past the line

I must have crossed it

Because for so long I didn't give a shit

People tried to help

The little boy that was a whelp

What I used to be before

Has left my heart so sore

To me it feels as if

This world has been broken

By our generation

The generation of communication

That has failed through the lines of electricity

All our cables

Our power chords

Have left our minds torn

So I have sworn

To myself

That I will take my pen off its shelf

Where it hides above my desk

Because I realize that God has blessed

All of us with a gift

Mine is the power of words

From the absurd

To the crisp and powerful

They flow through my veins

A beautiful fluid of inspiration

So I will sit here once again

This is my return

To the burning of the sun

Because even heat can dissipate

So I must refuel the efforts of those

Who do not wish to pose

For the cameras

Trying to hide what they are

Those who wish to show off the scar

That makes them who they are

Cause there is always one big one

Where they flew too high

And got burned by the sun

In This Moment

This was written on August 23rd, 2010

It's such a relevant thing, age
Because as I stand upon this stage
These minutes seem like hours
And these towers
Time which I cannot see past
Yet forty years is nothing
As I look at it in the history books
Even the nineteen years of looks
As others examine who I am
With all their age
I'm sure they have felt similar
When they once were
Standing atop a stage
Or silently filled with rage
As they raced and competed
In the moments we focus
All of us know
That anyone who puts on a show
Just doesn't understand
That even their hand
Was given to them
Regardless of religious preference
Or even the lack thereof
We are given our lives
So we push to strive
Making the best of our gift
As well as our curse
It feeds and breeds inside of us
As we ride the school bus
Waiting for the real future
Instead of enjoying the present
Which is our present
Because if you focus
You must realize
That all of the lies
Fade to black
Pushing into the back
Of your mind
As you become this moment
And time becomes skewed
Screwed
By our focus
So these minutes right here
Not even your beer
Will make these moments shorter
So stop drinking from that glass
Start paying attention to the grass
Because this Earth that we walk
Is taken by us
Into our care
So I will stare at you
Until I can see through
You soul to the minutes
Where you become your everything
And then I will sing
Because those moments are joyous
They should be celebrated
Keeping me sated
With the depth of those moments
Is how I've chosen to live

Taken Over

This was written on August 21st, 2010

I find that I can no longer handle
What is going on inside of my mind
So now I'm becoming a little bitch
Because what was just a stitch
In my side
Has taken a ride
To my heart
And has begun to start
This inward revolution
Where an evolution
Of pain
Has begun driving me insane
I believe if I keep on this path
Everything will become a bloodbath
Of words
That become so absurd
That even the great one above
Who pushes all love
Into our hearts
Will be affected by the sparks
That come from the darkness
Inside of my brain
Because I've gone insane
With rage
Funneled onto the page
Sitting in front of me
As I read
And bleed
These words
And through the ink
I blink
I've become it as much as it's become me
So now you must see
That I have gone insane
Gone far past the range
Of everything strange
Become the page
With all my rage
Funneled
Tunneled
Inside of me
Pushing myself to be free
Or at least for my heart
To start
Feeling less pain
So that whatever part of me going insane
Can be left behind
Inside of my mind
Behind a locked door
With a titanium floor
So that it cannot escape
And even as it scrapes
Inside of me
No others will see
The insanity
That has taken seed
Started to breed
To create
And form and shape
It's as if an alien race
Has taken place
Inside of my body

Untitled?

This was written on August 21st, 2010

I hate people more than I can ever explain
Thoughts fill my brain
Just driving me past insanity
Till these eyes fill with pain
Turning into tears
Over all of the years
That I've been abused
Pushed back into a hole and used
For others to feel better
About themselves
Pushing me into shelves
And lockers
Ripping off my dockers
Shoes
And giving me the blues
So that I just couldn't take it anymore
And I had to score
At least once
So I stooped so low
Got ready to go
And did the nasty with a dirty little hoe
Which I'll forever regret
Getting her wet
Putting myself inside her mind
I still scrub myself with chloride
Trying to clean
Without being mean
About how nasty that shit was
I would have rather slept with my cous
Cause even incest is better
Than that slut who was wetter
Than Niagra falls
And even the North Central stalls
Were cleaner than her
Still I must agree
With my own mind
And start leaving behind
Everything that has happened
Though this rap can't end
With just a few little words
Instead my body fills with herds
Of angry voices
About all of the choices
I've made
Beating inside of me
Trying to get out and be freed
Upon the rest of the world
All my anger unfurled
Upon her
So now I just curse
Myself
For putting her onto a shelf
Of trophies
Where I thought she belonged
Instead she longed
For someone better
Better than me
So all others can now see
The weakness deep down
That causes a frown
Man I feel like such a clown
As I look down
Upon myself
Cause these past weeks
Have been weak
At least in comparison to the strength
That I once drank
From
Pushing it down with my thumb
Inside of my throat
And even the votes
Of my inner selves
Could not resist
The imaginative kiss
That she gave to me
Promising to free
My inner man
So that someday I'd stand
Alongside someone else
Because even these sea shells
Left to me by my mother
Who knew more of my brothers
Than I ever imagined
And all that we sinned
Combines together
Becomes worse than the weather
Storm
That pushes through the warm
Insides of my heart
Forcing a start
Of freezing rage
That funnels onto this page
Because even now
After you've left
I know that someday
We will all find the words to say
That we have been hurt
So I mean to be kurt
As you have caused pain
On so many levels
To humanity as a whole
Now we all have a hole
And many have more than just one
Because the sun
It burns us
Worse than vampires
Who do what they can to sire
A next generation
So that Rock Point Station
Will burn into our memory
For others to hear and see
What pain is caused
Just by living
Living and giving
To others
As sisters and brothers
Of the one man who gave for our sins
Now he hides in the clouds
Shouting out loud
Inside of our minds
Pushing out signs
For us to read
Trying to create a seed
Of love
Stars above
Why can't you just tell us what you know
Teach us how to sow
This kindness inside of ourselves
So that we all stop sitting on shelves
Of uncertainty
Why do you have to hide so that we cannot see
You
Instead you put us through
This great amount of misery
"It's all a test."
"It's for the best."
Because God knows better
Than even the rich man wearing a sweater
Cause Bill Gates
Can't open the gates
To heaven
No matter how much money he has
His ass will turn to grass
Just like the rest of us
Now to be honest, I find that living without trust
Is my best bet
For survival
Because gullible is not written on the ceiling
Of my mind
And I will leave all behind
Who try to take advantage of me
To push all others to see
My weakness
Because to me, happiness is a strength
And I don't have anyone to thank
For having it by my side
Except for myself
Who learned it from the imaginary Elf
Inside of my soul
Which has more age than from toll
That other people created
Kicked back and lived sated
As they watched me suffer and squirm
Eating the worm
That my cousin convinced was candy
Before laughing at me
For falling for his tricks
That he used for his own kicks
To bring about his happiness
He created a sadness
Inside of this persona standing here today
So I have only one thing to say
To you
Who do everything you can to put me through
Hell
I hope that life has been swell
Because in death
Everyone will remember only your bad breath