Frozen Rage

This was written on August 20th, 2010

I'm so filled with rage
As I blank out onto this page
My limbs shake and shiver
This is how it feels to be a giver
As people just take
Before spitting
Atop my kindness
You all look at me right now
Can you see the "Pow"
A gun going off in air
I just wanted to share
With you
Everything you put me through
As I go into a rage freeze
Every breath is a breeze
Against my skin
When back then
You gave heat to me
Now can't you see?
That you drain
Putting through pain
My essence
I miss your presence
My fingers beat this keyboard
Where my words once soared
Now they are dropped like the horde
Of Jews that Hitler slaughtered
And the beads of the sottering
Gun
Isn't it fun
To see these bullets
On the page
Reasons that I fill with rage
Pushed to the brim
Creating a trim
Better form
As I lose my warm
And lose to my freeze rage
In my mind
Leave everything behind
Becoming the negativity
Of a man lost inside himself
Putting his happiness on a shelf
So he can bring to this page
The rage
That you birth
What are you really worth?
When all you do is breed
Pushing your seed
Into the hearts of man
Every breath a fan
Moving to cool
Freezing our drool
And snot
To the cot
I lay upon
Though you are long gone
Now
Still somehow
You rot my brain
Driving me insane
So this institution
Holds the key
Returning to me
My salvation
Trials and tribulations
Of love
I scream to the stars above
Because I realize
Through all these sighs
I caused this myself
Pushing my happiness onto a shelf
By choosing to fall
To stop and stall
Next to you
To let you know what I've been through
To relive
Everything you did give
To me
So don't you see
I lost my love for you
When you took what was red
Making it blue
My beautiful skin
You are my sin
Frozen in rage
Words fill this page
So I remember
That you dismember
My heart
Tearing me apart
For your enjoyment
Still I play the game
Hoping everything will be the same
After I write this poem
Knowing all the while
That my style
Passion
Created by you
After you put me through
The pain of a thousand
Still I can stand
Regardless of your hand
Holding the knife
Created by strife
In my back
Adding to the stack
Of those who have hurt
Larger than a gangster shirt
It sits in the corner
Of my mind
Someday I'll leave it behind
Until then
I will continue to win
Regardless of the pain
The muscle strain
As my heart aches
All the abuse it takes
Is not enough
Because it is tough
It won't bring me to my knees
Not as long as I please
My pen

Will You Love Me?

This was written on August 19th 2010

You turn on my flame
So I'll play this game
Turning through the pages of life
Fighting off all of my strife
As I sit here on a plane
Keeping in mind what I gain
By being with you
Your lips speak true
Yet I have not seen you
Though the word is taboo
I must say that I love you
Though our conversations be few
It's been a long month
And that alone is a triumph
Two weeks was my rule
Standing steadfast as a tool
So I vow to you this
That our first kiss
Will burn me
Insides turning
As I watch the stars
From morning till night
I wish for you in my sight
I am yours to grab
Whom no other can have
Cause I love you
Despite my knowledge so few
With no college ahead
A military career instead
I can promise the support
And visits while at port
Cause to me you are worth
Possibly missing my son's birth
Though I do not wish
To miss the breaking dish
Of his first real meal
So I'll make you a deal
My service is to you
I just hope you love me too
So that my sacrifice
Doesn't put you in a vice
Where you feel the pressure
Causing a fissure
Please
For the sake
Of all that we take
From this Earth
Let us birth
Something wonderful
Together as one
First with a son
Because I wish to solidify
Even if we do defy
Reason of society
So if you wish to lie
As long as not to me
I will sail the deep sea
Bringing you treasure
For your pleasure
An apple tree
For our boy to see
Pearls
Color of the sea twirls
For our daughter
Who will never be hotter
Than you
Who split my focus in two
When you walked into class
So far in the past
I couldn't take my eyes
Nobody knew my cries
Were of happiness
Pure bliss
Caused by you
As my heart split
So pleased as you sit
Near me
So that I can see
Who you are
I'll show you the scar
Left behind
Deep inside my mind
Because you will care
Instead of tear
At it
Please love me
For all the world to see
And together we can be
The start of a family

Lying and Sighing

This was written on August 19th 2010

I have this tendency to shuffle
Cards
At least when I'm nervous
I use them to concentrate
In the hopes to relax
So that things don't tax
My brain
Driving me insane
You see
Everything that I think about
Continues to make me doubt
Things about myself
At least in my own extensions
Of these arms
Keeping others from harm
Though I have a strong heart
I know I'll tear apart
All intuition
Bringing to fruition
This raw power
That tastes so sour
As I push those
That once rose
Bringing out their insides
The kindness that just rides
Atop their blood
Scrubbing with the suds
Coming from our soap
A fragrance to hide the dope
That everyone seems to smoke
Continuing to toke
Despite the legality
Man it's a tragedy
That people must rely
Listening about what they should try
When others say they need
This beautiful weed
To bring forth the best inside themselves
It makes me so sad
How about you?
Do you feel this pain
As others fight in the rain
Of our mothers' blood
Just so they can have food
Just pass the joint dude
But why
Why must we defy
Pushing ourselves to lie
And falsely testify
To the guilt of others
Forcing them to wilt
Over some choice they made
To drink the kool aid
I mean
We all drink it don't we
In some form or another
Sisters and brothers
Are we not hypocrites
As we lie about the drugs
Of this generation
The absolute degradation
Pushing all the faith
Into the gutters
The kid mutters
Avoiding the attention
While using his tuition
Angering the teachers
Avoiding all his preachers
Just there to party
Though his body may be hardy
It will burn out too
Then he'll try to sue
The college that gives to him
The books he only skims
You see we all take for granted
Cause this world has become slanted
People just sit and deceive
Us
About all that we receive
Telling us of medication
When all we need is meditation
To keep us from going insane
Living a life so plain
The office of sincerity
Is closed
At least for the majority
Cause we all lie
Forced to testify
Avoiding our guilt
Covered in the silt
Coals burning under my feet
As you sit in your seat
Can you feel the heat
Of these words
Coming from my proverbial pen
Instead I see a sin
Inside all of us
Even when we rode on the bus
To school
And followed the rule
Of our parents
Who told us of the medication
Whose legality
We could all see
Though every time we would pee
The test came up positive
Cause we wanted to live
On the edge
Pushing past our boundaries
Wrong or right
We have all lost sight
Of what must be important
This life we are given
So take hold
Find a way to mold
This place
Inside yourself
Forge yourself a shelf
Of your accomplishments
Keep everything important
Inside your heart
Don't forget to start
A chart
Of your progress
As writing goals
Is the way to our souls
Truest inspiration
So forget the drugs
And hold onto the hugs
Cause in the end
We all depend
On one another
As sisters and brothers

My Ultimate Slam Poem

This was written on August 18th 2010

Can't you all feel my pain
As words fill these veins
With non-dropping
Show stopping
Lyrical wit
Man I don't give a shit
Where you're from
Cause in this kingdom
Of the US of A
Those who have nothin to say
Just don't belong
Cause boy
We are all equal
Ain't nobody regal
Not even I am better
Than the rich boys in sweaters
But I do have my goals
And walking on coals
Won't scare me away
From the beautiful day
When equality rains
Relieving the pains
Of those who've been broken
Even these words spoken
Will be forgotten
So to the rotten
You must know this
That God's kiss
Upon this hand
Won't swallow the land
Cause nobody owns it
And man I don't give a shit
Where you're from
Cause we all scream for freedom
So why don't we band together
Like birds of a feather
No matter what comes our way
We'll find the words to say
Standing up for what we believe
So that whatever we receive
Won't leave us behind
Or devour our one track mind
To bring together all man
So that we all stand
Facing our foes
And wiggling our toes
In the sandy beaches
That extend beyond all reaches
Of destruction
Cause we all know we pollute
Breeding and seeding
This world
With ourselves
And nothing else
Even those who push to grow
They all know
That we pollute
With our cars and shoots
From the guns
That we use to say who won
Ain't nobody gonna be around
To hear all the sounds
Of this Earth
Regrowing
To put forth knowing
That another generation
Will destroy
It
Don't anybody give a shit
That we're strangling
And mangling
This world we live upon
As we're all used as pawns
Of corporations
Whose sole purpose is generations
Enslavement
So they can put down pavement
Trapping this Earth
So it can't give birth
To us
Or harbor Jesus'
Love
To the stars above
I scream
My dream
That someday
We will find the words to say
Stand up and fight
For all that we know is right
And come together as man
All holding hands
To see this
World of ultimate bliss
For what it is
Our mother
And nothing other
Than our respect
Should she receive
Instead we still deceive
Ourselves
Putting our trophies on our shelves
That she made
And having our parades
In respect for everything
But her
So to those here today
I ask that you join me to pray
For the idea
That one day
We will all find that courage
To stand up for what we believe
And back away from those that deceive
Us
Into this corporatocracy
Will you all fight
For what we know is right
Or will you just stand
Without holding a hand
Thumbs in your pockets
As all these rockets
Explode
And destroy our Earth
Where our birth
Came to be
You must see
That this is it
Please tell me that you give a shit

Our Gift

This was written on August 16th 2010

It's so appalling
Just how enthralling
Our consumerism is driven
The fact that we are given
This
At birth
An idea to look for worth
To spread ourselves through space
It's a competitive and bloody race
So bringing to the table
All those who are able
It's just how you play the game
Nobody is treated the same
Cause life isn't fair
Not this time
Not in this place
Not while we all race
Through life and through time
Working for our dimes
But not buying them
Or digging for a gem
To symbolize your marriage
Or pull an extra edge
So work toward your play
And live another day
But don't forget our present
Cause the precious
Grants our wishes
Setting us free
If only just to be

My Pen Bleeds for You

This was written on August 10th 2010

I'm in the best shape of my life
As I push through this strife
Just to be with you.
Soul, body and mind
Working from behind
My tears
Pushing for years
Just to get to this
And I'll hold back till you're ready to kiss
These lips
Or listen to any tips
That I might have for you
As I am a bit older
Ever if I do not have the soul
To be better
As you are the superior
When you take all my fear away
Just by walking in the room
And I'm hoping to see you soon
Because just this morning has rocked my mind
Pushed me to the line
With toes ready to go
I'll run all the way until my legs scream,
"It's just too much!"
Then I'll run some more
Because my life before
You
Was not nearly enough to satisfy my pen
You see, cause back then
Back then I didn't have love
So I'd scream to the stars above
For a mother or some other
Who would take me into their arms
Protecting me from harm
Cause even as a big man I need that too
And without it I'd come unglued
Cause you see I grew up without a moms
Much like you
And tom from myspace
He was my best friend
Around the age of ten
Though the site had not quite grown
To be so well known
By all of these folks
Who keep on toking.
But substance abuse is not the point of this poem
Instead the focus rests on you
Who took the pieces of me torn in two
Sewing them back together with your love
You see
Now when I scream to the stars above
It is in thanks
So this is to you
The one who made this new me possible
May our love continue to grow
Like this apple tree
So others can feast upon and learn
From us
Until we return to the soil

Without You By My Side

This was written on the 8th of August, 2010

Every inch of every mile
This distance is a trial
Testing my love for you
Instead I feel broken in two
The moments without you burn
All my insides turn
To me it's like a lack of sunlight
Come tearing through the night
My outsides are cool
But my insides burn

The night invigorates me
Until everything can I see
Thought without you in front
I have nothing to look at
Without you I am lonely
Even through my success
You are still my best
With you at my side
I know I can provide
For the kids we want
Without you by my side
I will not want to ride
Through this life provided
It will only be one sided
So I ask for you to be
In love with all you see

Nothing

This was written on the 5th of June 2010

This thing that stands before me is terrifying
So terrifying that I am stuck in place
It's funny that to some this something is nothing
Just the future, not something to concern us
Everything hinges on this moment
Happiness and success hinges on this moment
This something is becoming nothing
Not to me but to others
Even as nothing becomes something
Life blooming from this nothing
Creating something to create fear
Fear creates nothing
Nothing turns into something
So this circle continues until end
Terrifying how a circle works
Repetition like distance training
Miles upon miles of arteries
Flowing through my body
So much oxygen taken in each breath
Still not enough
As I am breathless before this
This something that is nothing
My future which has yet to exist
Future will never exist
Only this moment on which everything hinges
Together with myself it can be conquered
Or inside of it I can flow
Like water through the ground
Forcing a path through steady
Relentless in my fury and power
Forcing through this nothing
Creating something with my passion for change
Change will come of this fear
As I stand before this nothing

Droppin the Pen

This was written on July 28 2010

I was having a conversation with my friend the other day.
On the importance of words.
Have you heard the discord in our mouths?
Where our thoughts reach our fingertips,
Breaking on this page from our pens and keystrokes.
The letters falling apart, scattering on the wind.
You my friend don't know the importance of what you forget.
What generations you are forsaking just by droppin that g.
It makes the words feel off key.
Mispronunciation is a problem in this country.
Not just in our words but also in our demeanor.
When all you have to do is complete the word and let it soar.
Leaving your mouth with the emphasis necessary.
The lyricists of this world from Eminem to Taylor Mali.
Would be ashamed of your slanderous ways.
Were they still able to stand before you today.
We are all lost in this world of slang.
So lost that most of us know not the words we speak.
English was once so beautiful.
Our growth and evolution through this language.
I must admit it's quite spectacular.
But you lot have broken me.
So without further ado I leave you all behind.
Until you can come back to my arms.
Stopping this language from coming to harm.
Bringing with you the respect for our roots.
I will drop my pen on this stage.

The words that touch these lips

This was written on July 27 2010

I struggle to find a way
To find the words to say
They sit upon my lips
Touching my fingertips
Playing my every verb
Girl you so superb
There ain't no rhyme or reason
For me to be out of season
So far past my due date
But girl it's just too late
To turn back from this now
There ain't no way or how
From dirt roads in a little town
To these acorns popping crowns
Everything seems to be blooming
Life just keeps on zooming
So I just sit and watch
Just trying not to botch
Whatever comes my way
So tell me what to say
How do I start this discussion
Without the help of percussion
Cause music is my blood
It pulls me from the mud
Picks me up and carries me
Takes me from that prairie
Where I don't want to return
Not until I'm far past burned
So my ashes can be spread
And all my words be read
By kids who sit and think
About how I spread this ink
Cause this is what goes on
Before the memories are gone
I have this chance to say
There just is no other way
Without you by my side
Cause life is one crazy ass ride

Jesse Johnson

This was written on July 26 2010

There's somethin in that smile of yours
It hits me in my heart
Takes me down to both knees
I know I'm fallin apart
Whenever I see your eyes
I lose my great disguise
There's no way for me to hide
Not that there's a reason
You break in two this shell I have
And take me for a ride
From Karaoke to conversation
You make me feel something down
Deep inside my soul
As if I'm almost whole again

You remind me of my mother
Or at least all that I know
From Church beliefs
And spiritual healings
To intellectual,
The way you teach
Everything I've ever known
Seems to find a place in you
Some part of me is terrified
The other is thrilled too

I want to get to know you better
Of this I am so sure
For you remind me of what I know
And what I've always missed
So be my friend if nothing else
Of this I ask of you
In return I'll promise my
Friendship unto you

My Newest Cousin

This was written on July 24 2010

It's funny how you make me feel
It's so surreal
The fact that right before my eyes
Another will see these skies
Never thought I'd see the day
When true love came his way
The best thing to ever happen to him
Your mother

You will come into this world
As everything unfurls
Your whole life filled with change
Others have to rearrange
Cause we want to love you
You will be the glue
At least for a couple years
That keeps all of us here

Sunlight

This was written on July 23 2010

Carving into flesh with heat
Leaving scars impossible to heal
Standing underneath you
Waiting for some salvation
No safety even in darkness
Glorious light surrounds the world
Encompassing every bump
All craters filled with your love
So intense to make a wish of relief
Too hot to handle

Leave for now
Let your sister rise tonight
Her soft glow caressing my skin
Illuminating the waters before me
To remind us all of your glory
So when you rise again
We will not take for granted
The warmth you provide
Even if overwhelming
Charring the skin you touch
Defeated by your love
Surrendering to the pain
Drained by the heat of passion
You leave me breathless

Concave Chest

This was written on July 22, 2010

Muscle ends here
Only bone remains covered lightly
Pale white skin layered sweetly
Barely hiding the weakness
A crater rests within my chest
There isn't much to be done
I must live with these breasts
Muscle made condensed
Spread like cold peanut butter
Spread by dip in my bones
Nothing will change this
Surgery is too risky
Breaking to force growth
Far too risky to try
Live with the crater

Will You Smoke with Me?

This was written on July 22, 2010

The smoke moves
Between us
Through us
All around me
Leaving my lips slowly
The caress between our lips
A thousand souls pass
In those moments
"Share the smoke baby"
Your words are soft
Smooth as the water
Firm enough to support
Your words are perfect
Floating into my ears
Filling me with joy
I smile
Smoke pushing between us
Flowing from my mouth
Fog over the water
Our lips meet
Briefly, but it lasts an eternity
I can feel your tongue
Your smile meets mine
Playfully and peacefully
This kiss is never long enough
My back arches
It takes all my will
Pulling away from you
Smiling forever
With you in my arms
Even when you're not here
I love you my dear

Excerpt from a Piece I'm Beginning

This was written on July 18, 2010

The moisture left Ethan's mouth to be collected by the fabric naught but an inch from his face. It hadn't been long since they'd thrown the bag over his head, maybe a night and half of a day. To Ethan it didn't feel like more than a couple hours, not that it mattered. He was doing his best to concentrate on every sound and smell that he had sensed as they drug him away from the alley they captured him in. He didn't resist, he knew better than to resist when dealing with terrorists. He would sit and wait, using what information he had to his advantage, occasionally he shifted his hands so the sweat rolling down his arms slid into the joints of the cuffs holding him together.

Ethan was a trained man, he'd been through a lot in what little time he'd been serving the United States military. Every experience more rich and fulfilling than the last, he seemed to grow spiritually from the struggles that his job put him through. His training meant nothing before his utter calm nature, his willingness to concentrate on the moment. The moment is all that mattered, nothing else. Survival was pointless as death comes to all who live and worrying about whether or not he would die was then a waste of time.

Ethan began breathing slowly and deeply, feeling through his body for all injuries. His heart beat slowing and strengthening with his deep breathing. Every pulse sent blood coursing to the areas that needed it the most, revealing his injuries within moments. His left forearm had a small fracture from when he'd blocked a kick in the alley. His right leg had a large bruise from being thrown into the van and taken to wherever he was now.

The door swinging open broke his concentration, the metal screeched against the stone floor. The loose brackets holding the door in place allowed it to swing at just the right angle to scrape the floor. Heavy footsteps could be heard resounding throughout the room, bouncing off of the single chair that Ethan sat upon, the room wasn't large, probably an old prison cell. Ethan smiled from behind his bag, he had no reason to smile. He heard a gun cock and felt the cold metal pressed against his temple even through the bag. He never had the chance to hear the gun fire, before he had a chance even the little bits of light that were left to be seen through the bag disappeared. The world swirled around him as he hit the floor, the back of the chair breaking off, releasing him. As he hit the floor the large man who had just been holding a gun to his temple hit the floor beside him. Ethan smiled, now he had reason, life for him would continue, even if only for a little longer.

On the Subject of Addiction

This was written on July 15th 2010

First I find it necessary to define what "addiction" is.

Dictionary.com defines Addiction as;

1. A physical or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, such as a drug or alcohol. In physical addiction, the body adapts to the substance being used and gradually requires increased amounts to reproduce the effects originally produced by smaller doses. See more at withdrawal.

2. A habitual or compulsive involvement in an activity, such as gambling.

And
webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary defines "addiction" as;

1. The quality or state of being addicted <~to reading>
   

2. Compulsive physiological need for a habit-forming drug (as heroin) - compare HABITUATION

Now the reason that I have decided to write on the subject of addiction is my own personal observations on the matter and this conversation that I've been having with my family members. It is my personal belief, and I do not mean to change anyone's mind by presenting my thought processes nor is it my intent to bring this subject forward to discussion, that addiction does not exist outside of the mind. I find that in saying that I must explain that the mind is not the brain, not the chemistry that makes the brain function. So to be clear I am not speaking of chemistry or body needs, I am speaking of the "mind" that can only be seen or spoken of as being metaphysical.

Once again, to be clear this is not being written to change anyone's mind, but mainly to further my own understanding of my thought processes and possibly enlighten some of those around me as to how it is that I think of things.

Now that is out of the way I must once again say that addiction, in my mind, is a false diagnosis. Not to say that the studies out there on addiction are a wasted effort or that people don't get "addicted" to substances or other habitual activities. Instead what I am trying to say is that everything in life is a choice, and it is my belief then that if addiction is to be describes as a physiological plague. Something that sucks you under and leaves you with little to no control I cannot find myself believing in the addiction. To me everyone has a series of choices from the moment they wake up to the moment they go to sleep. You can choose if you wish to smoke cigarettes or if you think that because it's bad for you then you don't need to smoke them and don't want to.

There is no, "I'm addicted so I can't stop." You're using something that somebody else has defined to you to persuade your mind to work in a way that you believe it should. Or rather, as you have been told that your physiological needs should function. People all of our growing life tell us things about substance abuse and urban myths exist around every corner. It is your job as a human being to decipher these myths and find what is true for yourselves. There is something within your body, call it gut instinct if you will, that tells you when you should be trusting another person's "truth." For some people this feeling is stronger than for others I'm sure and I'm certain that for everyone you have to open your mind to this feeling rather than dismissing it regardless of how strong the feeling is.

Blaming your unwillingness to give up a substance or a course of action on "addiction" is hiding from yourself and your own truth. If you wish to believe in addiction that is your choice, but when you come to me and tell me that you're addicted to something, don't expect me to feel sorry for you at all. "You made your bed and you've got to sleep in it too." This is something my Uncle Chris said to me when I was six or seven years old and I'd been badly sunburned while at the waterpark and so I was to sit under the parasol and stay out of the sun for the rest of the day while everyone else had fun. I made the decision, consciously or subconsciously, to not put on sunscreen. Because of that decision I was unable to continue and enjoy the waterpark. This may seem unrelated at first but it is one of the things that I use for the basis of explaining decision making. It is my belief that nobody can reasonably argue with the idea that my decision to not put on sunscreen was my own decision and that that decision had consequences.

Now to things that are directly related to addiction; smoking and drinking. My first experience with alcohol was when I was rather young and my Uncle Chris allowed me to taste wine for the first time. I can still remember the taste burning my nose, the sip brought the bitter liquid into my mouth and for a moment it felt as if I'd inhaled water as the bitterness seeped into my nostrils as a burning sensation and burned slightly down the back of my throat. I didn't particularly enjoy the first sip but after a moment or two I could feel the pleasant tingling of the alcohol reaching my system. My next experience with alcohol was not nearly so intense, at least not in the vivid memory that I have of it.

At one of my best friend's birthday parties we had two kegs and a couple 5ths of alcohol. There was Jagermeister, Hennesy, Captain Morgan and a few others I don't remember. I drank enough that night that I was buzzed for the remainder of the night and all the way into the morning. I don't remember much of the burning sensation as the drinks slid down my throat, nor do I remember ever throwing up. I remember sitting on the couch that was supposed to be where I slept and all I could think about was how beautiful the stars above me were. Since that occasion I have drank, though never quite as much as that night, and I have never myself had a problem with alcohol being addictive. It is my personal experience that I was in control of whether or not I drank more, nobody could force me to drink more and I wasn't drinking more because I couldn't stop myself. Now certainly I haven't ever drank every day all day for a week nor do I party often enough that I've drank nearly as much as most of my peers, but still have yet to have any occasion where I couldn't say no to more alcohol. In fact, every time, other than the second time, I've ever drank I made the conscious decision to stop once I was buzzed and only on two occasions did I extend the length of my buzz by balancing my alcohol intake.

I'm not some miracle that can't get addicted to alcohol or has the willpower to refuse everything because I know that it's wrong. I've made my fair share of mistakes and I've dabbled in things I probably shouldn't have. But the fact of the matter is that I have made my decisions. Including my decision that when I turned eighteen I wanted to pick up smoking tobacco out of a pipe.

Now certainly how I'm going to explain this needs to be clear as two of the main reasons I decided I wanted to pick it up may be suspect. The first being that I enjoy the smell of pipe tobacco, it brings about a positive nostalgia for me which reminds me of the days when I was a child playing with Legos and nearby either my father or my grandfather was smoking their pipe. Of course they weren't always smoking when I was playing with Legos and I wasn't always playing with Legos when they were smoking, but the two together is what comes to mind when I smell the sweet burning of pipe tobacco. Now the second was the appearance of smoke itself, the thicker the smoke the thicker the curls. Smoke has always been aesthetically appealing to me, the way it softly floats, carried by the breeze slowly diluting and becoming wispier as it disappears.

So I picked up smoking my pipe when I turned eighteen, legally able to buy tobacco and I set out with the idea that even knowing smoking was bad for me, I wanted to do it. I know that cigarettes are more addictive as well as being worse for you according to many studies. The reason behind which is the high you receive, or rather the nerve stimulation and the amount of additives in the cigarettes in comparison to pipe tobacco.

Now, after having been smoking for one year two months and ten days, I have to once again say that I see no addiction appearing in front of me. I have gone many weeks at a time between smoking my pipe and on occasions I've also smoke my pipe for two weeks straight one or more times a day. Not once have I had the experience of inability to stop smoking or even have I had the experience of craving the nicotine. It has always been a conscious decision to pack my pipe and smoke the tobacco. I didn't start packing my pipe and then realize what I was doing, every time there was a "Do I want to smoke right now?" Then I would battle with myself for several minutes deciding if me wanting to smoke was because I was addicted or just because I wanted to smoke. Now pipe tobacco is not the only thing I've smoked. On occasion when I didn't want to make the trek all the way to the store where I buy my pipe tobacco from but had the want to smoke I would pick up a pack of cigarettes. I would smoke a cigarette, enjoy the aesthetic appearance of the smoke floating in the breeze and then toss the rest of the pack without a second thought.

Now maybe I am addicted and maybe my assumption about addictions are all wrong and I'm willing to listen if anyone wishes to persuade me on this matter. To be clear however, it is still my belief that addiction is a choice and that every time you pick up some substance that may overwhelm your nerves and create some sort of vortex that makes you always crave that experience again, you are making a choice.

Vulnerability

This was written on July 12th 2010

To know what you see
And get what you see
No deeper meaning here
Trailing clues are nonexistent
What stands before is truth
Only truth will set you free
In this moment nothing more
For right now a flood released
So do not try your lies
Or fake in front of us
Because we know you better
Because you opened up
You are vulnerable to us
But that is not a bad thing
Now you have someone to trust
So keep us in your mind
Do not let a fissure form
For we are best of friends
Through sunny day or storm

The Last Time

This was written on July 3rd 2010

Blood pulses in my fingertips as they caress your sweet face. I can feel the pulsing stronger than anything I've ever felt before in my life. Stronger even than the beating of my heart as your tongue meets mine in a tango of passion. Waltzing with each other and lost in the sensation of being held as I'm holding you. We dip and dive together, swimming in the eyes of a thousand lies. I know this won't last even through the night. I know it will end, but I wish to be wrong, I wish that I could fool myself. You sit here with me, asking what it is that I am thinking about but the words will never reach my tongue. I refuse to let them touch my fingertips. You will never know what it is that I feel because this has to end.

You knew it as well as I did, that nothing would come of this passion but pain. It's nothing that we haven't danced through a thousand times before. Lying to ourselves, trying to fool the fates and the fated. You and I are alike on more levels than one and every breath of yours I feel makes me fall harder. Only the concrete can break my fall now, the buildings shattering beneath my feet. I am without a parachute when I'm with you, all memories and emotions as crisp as the night air. Nothing is foggy here and I have nowhere to hide from the truth. Still I try, pivoting my body, allowing her no glimpse at my pain stricken face. Truth already knows, but I refuse to admit my own shortcomings. I do not wish for this moment to end, but it's already gone. I will look back through all of my experiences and this will be one of the strongest.

That night in the park with you will never be forgotten. Surrounded by the crisp air even as we added our own fog. The steam leaving our mouths as we whispered our lies between every truth. I tried to hide from you but passion brought forth my pain and truth of just how broken I am. The speed and rush of adrenaline coursed through my veins. Every drop of blood coursing without any reason or remorse. It overflowed with the one thing I refuse to admit. Even now after having told you what you mean to me. Nothing will ever stop this bleed, not a million doctors or a million scars will bring me closer to my salvation. Never will I escape what has brought me to my knees a thousand times. Never will I forget you, but never will anything replace the love I have for my mother. It was never meant to be and you were never meant to see.

Goodbye my love. Tomorrow is another day and I will meet more who should never see. Those who are still blind are better to be surrounded by. You have no place in my life.

My Heart

This was written on July 3rd 2010

Grab it tight and hold on
It pulses as you squeeze
Baby pull it please
Just rip it from its resting place
If you don't it'll go to waste
It doesn't sit right
It wants your grasp
If you don't your ass is grass

You don't have to touch so lightly
Don't be afraid of my pain
Just show it you are mighty
Pull and tear, bite and squeeze
I'm sure it'll only make me sneeze
The harder you grab the less I breathe
Do not worry for my self esteem
It'll break in your hands
Regardless of grip
Just don't let all the pieces slip
Keep one for yourself as a reminder
Of all the ones you've left behind